Homeless

The first chapter in re-evaluating my life is making myself right before God. While church attendance does not necessarily dictate my relationship with God, in my case, it is certainly an indicator that something is not right. For the past year I have been attending church haphazardly, "church shopping" and making just about every excuse for my lack of a home church. The truth is that I have been trying very hard not to be at home in any church. Metro didn't work for me for legitimate reasons, but what about the dozen other churches that I ventured into during my "search" for a home church? I would arrive at service no more than 5 minutes before it started, sit in the back and duck out before anyone had the chance to meet me. They were either too far away, too boring, too unfriendly, too pushy, too commercial, they wasted too much paper, I always had an excuse.

The truth is that I am heart broken. I had this amazing taste of real church, real community in Xalt. I was so wrapped up in my own life, that I did not realize that Xalt was withering. The numbers were dwindling and so were the funds. A building (the basement of another church that we used Sunday evenings) was no longer feasible. As a community the decision was made to move into 2 seperate home churches. I just couldn't bare seeing Xalt as I knew it as something different, segmented. So I departed. For a time I attended an awesome little church near my home. Metro was great, but there was no one my age or life trajectory in the community. There was no connection. I was this young married kid with an invisible husband. While I felt the loss, at Xalt I never felt it was visible that my husband was not there with me. At Metro his absence was deafening.

So, with a renewed committment to find a home church, I am promising to curb my habit of finding reasons why it won't work and pray my way through my search. I still worry about whether or not I will be accepted into a faith community, in my situation some churches would not even let me participate in ministry. I made a decision, that I have not regretted for a second since. As a very strong Christian I made the decision to marry my amazing, generous and kind husband Phil, who is not a Christian. This said, I have met some adversity for this decision in main stream Christianity.

Excuses aside, I will be real about my search for a home. I will pray into each step of the journey and try not to think too much. As I search, I will blog honestly, and openly about each experience and try not to lose sight of my reason for searching. I am open to suggestions, so if you hear about a great church post me a comment and I may check it out.

Blessings, Melissa

Reclaimed

A surge of anger fueled adrenalin pulsed through my body this morning when I opened my door to check the mailbox and noticed that my bike was stolen from right outside my front door. The lock that I used to chain it to the gas meter was all that was left. My bike is not exactly a desirable item, it is a beat up, brown cruiser bike with a flat tire, no brakes and a broken kick stand. That said, it is also very identifiable with its rainbow happy face bell and basket. I absolutley LOVE my bicycle! Admittedly I do not live in the best neighbourhood in town, but many of my neighbours chain their bikes up outside, so I felt comfortable leaving my bike outside. That is, until it was stolen. Someone went to a lot of trouble to take my bike, first attempting to pick the lock, then breaking the lock cover, then finally cutting the cable with a tool. I hate being a victim. I hate the invasive feeling that being a victim of theft left me with. I decided to take the dog for a walk and check a couple of alley's for my bike. I did not make it very far. Two houses down from ours I saw a glimmer of metallic brown through the fence boards. I was filled with hope as I peered over the fence and saw, leaning against the fence in my neighbours backward, my beloved bike. I knocked on the door and a young man answers.

Me: Hi, I am your neighbour, my name is Melissa, are your parents home?

Him: Ahh nope, can I help you.

Me: Well, look, my bike was stolen last night and I was walking by and happened to notice it parked in your backyard.

Him: No I dont think that is your bike, are you sure?

Me: Well it is a vintage brown bicycle with happy face bell, so yes I am sure.

Him: *Gives me a skeptical look*

Me: Well I am going in there and taking my bike.

Him: You can't do that.

Me: Well either I'll go back there and get it myself or I will call the police and get them to go and get it.

So that said, I went and got my bike and took it home. I gained little satisfaction from telling off my neighbours. I still feel invaded and the truth is that the problem runs deeper than the bike.

Whelmed

I wouldn't say that I am overwhelmed by the process of re-evaluating my entire life, but it is definitely a "whelming" experience. Lately, I have spent a lot of time putting pencil to paper to try and set some realistic goals for myself. In this process I am tempted; a very real, very large part of my being wants to draw into myself and settle comfortably into my life, but there is also this little part of me that will not let me. This loud irritating itch that keeps reminding me that I need to do something. I need to be changed and make change. A part of myself that reminds me that I can not and will not be silent.

Sneak Peak

I am firm believer that this generation, my generation, has been called to change the world, to quote Bono "The fact is that this generation... we're the first generation that can look at poverty and disease, look across the ocean to Africa and say with a straight face, we can be the first to end this sort of stupid extreme poverty, where in the world of plenty, a child can die for lack of food in his belly." I also believe that this change must first and foremost take place on a very real, very personal level. This said, I realize that I must change myself, my lifestyle, my way of thinking, to change the world. The stereotype of the self effacing servant is perhaps not functional in the 21st century. I need to change myself in order to make the greatest, best possible impact in the world.

Micah 6:8

He has showed you, O mankind, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

So how do I respond to this? Change. Let myself be changed. Stay tuned!

Apologies from a deliquent Blogger

While I do not have any followers I still feel the need to apologize for my blogger diliquency. My last post was at the end of March and let's just say a lot has happened in the last 6 months.

I have found a center. I am more resolute than ever in my work. It is no surprise that the last year has been a difficult one, personally, professionally, spiritually, but I am back, with a plan for recovery! Stay tuned (acknowledges non existant audience) as I unveil my plan to develop a completely amazing life changing plan... yes I just made a plan to make a plan.