Is it really this simple?

Life is a miracle. When I began to learn the science of reproduction I began to understand really how many pieces have to come together at the exact same moment in order for life to form. How does it happen so often "by accident"? The truth is, I think we (humans) have very little to do with process - I know what you are thinking and let me stop you there - we are the process, I will admit that! I am creation.

Part of me just can not fathom how a God, who can see the ineptitudes of human beings, namely those of myself, would ever allow me to carry a life and eventually give birth to and raise a child of his creation. The whole journey of becoming a parent, for me anyhow, has been one of reconciliation with God. There is a new dynamic to our relationship that, as with many qualities of a relationship with God, is difficult for me to articulate. God has entrusted me with his most precious creation, and for the first time I truly feel as though God trusts me. It is as though God is teaching me faith by example, not only is He asking me to have faith in Him, He is asking me to have faith in myself.

It is still hard for me to believe that I am only 5 months into the journey, and have not even held my child yet and all of these feelings are coming to life inside of me that I never thought myself capable of bearing. Already, I love this child beyond reason. I am simultaneously aware of how perfectly and imperfectly suited to the role of motherhood I truly am and have founds peace with this reality.

Not divisible by two...

For the first time in our marriage Phil and I are learning the real meaning of making decisions together. We have met the first reality in our marriage that really isn't divisible by two. To be honest, we really sift through all of areas in our life and seperate the tasks, Phil acknowledges that Oliver is really mine, I walk him, feed him, bathe him, cuddle him, and I am sort of the house manager, I deal with the bills, and organize the household chores. Phil has his share of responsibilities. He is sort of our "social coordinator," he plans our vacations (mutually agreed upon of course), weekend camping trips, makes plans with friends, he also takes care of our vehicles, nags the landlord when things need to be repaired, and works a lot of hours during the week.

Our new reality is the impending arrival of our first child. While I am carrying the baby, his opinions of my and the baby's health and well being are valid, and I am learning to listen to his warnings of "honey, you really shouldn't be lifting that" or "I think you are working too many hours" are things that I really need to listen too, even though I may not always like what I hear. All of the sudden, decisions about my health and my body, are a corporate matter. Beyond that, I am learning that simple decisions about cloth versus disposable diapers need to be made mutually to avoid ridiculous arguments.

I am constantly surprised by things that are important to him with regards to our child, as I am sure he is surprised by things that are important to me. The chapter of our marriage where our life is divisible by two is quickly coming to an end. I am still in awe of the fact that there is a tiny baby growing inside of me. I am further awestruck by the fact that this baby, that is kicking me like crazy, is created equally of parts of me and Phil. At this time in my life I am reminded first of all, how quickly nine months can go by, and secondly, that creation is an ongoing process. Not only is God creating new life, he is constantly making old things new again. A little over half way through our pregnancy and our same old marriage (if I can say that after 2 years) is completely new.

Adventure.

Action

I realize that I have become stuck in a cycle of talking about changing the world, but actually taking very little action on the subject. For a living I am a volunteer coordinator for an international development organization, I constantly try to get people excited about chaning the world and provide them with concrete action paths to make an actual difference... so, this question should be a no brainer for me right? Then why am I hitting a wall here? Maybe I need to hear it from someone else... What can I do to change the world?

The Rest of the World

When I say "The Rest of the World" what I really mean is the 20% of the earth's population who live in relative prosperity. The 20% who drive economic, political and social change. The 20% who consume 90% of the world's resources. The 20% who cause more than 90% of the world's pollution and ecological desparity. The 20% who largely close their eyes to the 80% who have not.

And what about this 80%? They are the bottom 6 billion, the rest of the world says that they do not count. The rest of the world make decisions in their daily lives that decrease the access to clean water, nutritious food and education to the bottom 6 billion. What does the rest of the world do with the poorest of the poor? They keep the very bottom 1 billion, the poorest of the poor, in abject poverty.

I am the rest of the world and I am sorry for what I have done.

Forgive me for my ignorance, my willfull blindness and my cruelty. Amen.