Self Absorbed

Oy, I just realised that I have not blogged in ages. Perhaps this is proof of the fact that I have been entirely self absorbed lately. Pregnancy does this to a woman, it draws her completely inward. I wonder if it is just preparation for the vow of selflessness she is about to take when she becomes a mother. There isn't a minute of the day when I am out of touch with my body. I am constantly rubbing my growing belly. Rubbing my swollen ankles. Obsessing over what my labour will be like. Will I ever come back down to earth?

2012

Carpe Diem for Eternity!

Now that I have officially been invited to join the Facebook group "2012 is not the end of the world" about a million times, I feel poised to comment. Many thought streams float through my brain as I contemplate the possibilities. Admittedly, I am in the full throngs of what the "What to Expect" books call 'baby brain' I find myself thinking, in my profound capability to string together words, if 2012 were the end of the world, would it really be the end of the world? Obviously a redundant sentence, of course the earthly realm that we identify with our physical senses would cease to exist, but what about the rest of it? Heaven, the mystic, even the social order of humanity. Even if humanity did not exist in a physical sense, surely all of these things that have no tangible physical construct would still be out there. But then that begs the question, if a tree falls in the woods and there is no one there to hear it, does it really make a sound? What good are ideas, social order, and religion if there is no one left to live them? What if the 'real world' has nothing to do with the world at all? So now I am left with a dilemma; to carpe dium or not carpe dium.

When I was a kid I really struggled with the division of reality, constructed reality (TV, social constructions) and my active dream and play world. At about 7 I remember facing real crises that I could not articulate to any of the grown ups in my life about whether or not the situations I was facing were a dream, a constructed reality or actual reality. Figuring out the divide between real and imaginary is a natural part of growing up, but admittedly my life circumstances exasterbated a part of childhood that for most is a blip where they realize Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy are social constructions, not real beings. My neice Shae stayed with me this summer and I remember her asking on several occasions whether people, or things existed in the "really world" or not. For example, I remember her asking me if "Han-tana" short for Hannah Montana was a girl in the "really world" or not. When looking through some video's of a friend's vacation on Facebook there was one clip of a jellyfish that was completely see through, and she couldn't believe that the jellyfish was a part of the really world and Han-tana was not. The really world is a confusing place indeed.

I am thankful for this confusing time in my childhood, while I never held onto any irrational beliefs in fairytale characters, it certainly helped me to hold onto something that I think many people lose. I am really 2 Melissa's. The first Melissa is tied to the earth, going to work, baking cookies, blogging, and the other Melissa is somewhere in the clouds. Cloudy Melissa says, of course the real world has nothing to do with the world. I don't think I would be able to get up and face the world each day if I thought the world was just what I could see. Cloudy Melissa is living for eternity! Earthy Melissa is harder to persuade, she runs the show 90% of the time, rarely acknowledging the mystic, or imagination, but she does get to see nature and humanity in all of its beauty and spledor. Earthy Melissa wishes she'd seize the day more

Is it really this simple?

Life is a miracle. When I began to learn the science of reproduction I began to understand really how many pieces have to come together at the exact same moment in order for life to form. How does it happen so often "by accident"? The truth is, I think we (humans) have very little to do with process - I know what you are thinking and let me stop you there - we are the process, I will admit that! I am creation.

Part of me just can not fathom how a God, who can see the ineptitudes of human beings, namely those of myself, would ever allow me to carry a life and eventually give birth to and raise a child of his creation. The whole journey of becoming a parent, for me anyhow, has been one of reconciliation with God. There is a new dynamic to our relationship that, as with many qualities of a relationship with God, is difficult for me to articulate. God has entrusted me with his most precious creation, and for the first time I truly feel as though God trusts me. It is as though God is teaching me faith by example, not only is He asking me to have faith in Him, He is asking me to have faith in myself.

It is still hard for me to believe that I am only 5 months into the journey, and have not even held my child yet and all of these feelings are coming to life inside of me that I never thought myself capable of bearing. Already, I love this child beyond reason. I am simultaneously aware of how perfectly and imperfectly suited to the role of motherhood I truly am and have founds peace with this reality.

Not divisible by two...

For the first time in our marriage Phil and I are learning the real meaning of making decisions together. We have met the first reality in our marriage that really isn't divisible by two. To be honest, we really sift through all of areas in our life and seperate the tasks, Phil acknowledges that Oliver is really mine, I walk him, feed him, bathe him, cuddle him, and I am sort of the house manager, I deal with the bills, and organize the household chores. Phil has his share of responsibilities. He is sort of our "social coordinator," he plans our vacations (mutually agreed upon of course), weekend camping trips, makes plans with friends, he also takes care of our vehicles, nags the landlord when things need to be repaired, and works a lot of hours during the week.

Our new reality is the impending arrival of our first child. While I am carrying the baby, his opinions of my and the baby's health and well being are valid, and I am learning to listen to his warnings of "honey, you really shouldn't be lifting that" or "I think you are working too many hours" are things that I really need to listen too, even though I may not always like what I hear. All of the sudden, decisions about my health and my body, are a corporate matter. Beyond that, I am learning that simple decisions about cloth versus disposable diapers need to be made mutually to avoid ridiculous arguments.

I am constantly surprised by things that are important to him with regards to our child, as I am sure he is surprised by things that are important to me. The chapter of our marriage where our life is divisible by two is quickly coming to an end. I am still in awe of the fact that there is a tiny baby growing inside of me. I am further awestruck by the fact that this baby, that is kicking me like crazy, is created equally of parts of me and Phil. At this time in my life I am reminded first of all, how quickly nine months can go by, and secondly, that creation is an ongoing process. Not only is God creating new life, he is constantly making old things new again. A little over half way through our pregnancy and our same old marriage (if I can say that after 2 years) is completely new.

Adventure.

Action

I realize that I have become stuck in a cycle of talking about changing the world, but actually taking very little action on the subject. For a living I am a volunteer coordinator for an international development organization, I constantly try to get people excited about chaning the world and provide them with concrete action paths to make an actual difference... so, this question should be a no brainer for me right? Then why am I hitting a wall here? Maybe I need to hear it from someone else... What can I do to change the world?

The Rest of the World

When I say "The Rest of the World" what I really mean is the 20% of the earth's population who live in relative prosperity. The 20% who drive economic, political and social change. The 20% who consume 90% of the world's resources. The 20% who cause more than 90% of the world's pollution and ecological desparity. The 20% who largely close their eyes to the 80% who have not.

And what about this 80%? They are the bottom 6 billion, the rest of the world says that they do not count. The rest of the world make decisions in their daily lives that decrease the access to clean water, nutritious food and education to the bottom 6 billion. What does the rest of the world do with the poorest of the poor? They keep the very bottom 1 billion, the poorest of the poor, in abject poverty.

I am the rest of the world and I am sorry for what I have done.

Forgive me for my ignorance, my willfull blindness and my cruelty. Amen.

New Life

My life is unfolding before my eyes. Your life aswell. It has been nearly 17 weeks that we have spent together, though until I heard your heart beat for the first time a couple of weeks ago, it didn't seem real. Your dad can't believe I could truthfully say such a thing. I guess he has been affected by my morning, noon and night sickness too. You are starting to bulge in my stomach, and this thrills me and at the same time makes me a little sad. You are no longer "our little secret," you now have this very strange, public identity protuding under my shirt. One thing I can tell you is that your father and I, are enamoured by you already!

I have started to dream about you, about the exciting life you will lead and the great moments we will share as a family.

I wonder who you will be when you grow up. I pray that I will be a good parent, teacher and friend to you. I wonder how the world you grow up in will have changed from the world I grew up in. I hope that you will have the courage and passion to embrace the world with the adventurous spirit that I have never been able to muster. I hope that you will get to see the world, beyond what I am able to show you. I pray that you will encounter each person you meet with compassion, grace and love. I hope that you inherit your father's sense of humour and love of nature, but also my creativite spirit and love of home. I worry about the world we are bringing you into, I hope we can be examples to you of how the world can be changed for the better. Most of all, I pray that whoever you become, you are happy.

With my multitudes of hopes, prayers and worries for you, the one thing that I am not worried about is being able to love you enough, because I love you beyond reason already and you are just a tiny flicker of life in my belly. I can't wait to meet you dear child, I know that you will be worth the journey.

With love,

Mom

Not a natural disaster...

Way back when, in 1994 when I was in Elementary school I remember hearing about the 7.0 magnitude earthquake that shook the Northridge area of California. I remember seeing the scenes of overpasses dropped onto traffic below, pavement cracked revelaing deep crevasses in the earth and buidlings turned to rubble. I remember thinking, this was devastation. In 1994 California had a population of 32.5 million people. 61 people died in the earthquake and more than 8700 people were injured. Until the recent disaster in New Orleans, it was the most expensive natural disaster in recorded history that ever occured in the US.

Just last week a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit the country of Haiti. Haiti has a population of 9.7 million. More than 200 000 people in Haiti are dead, thousands more are missing and reports of the injured are now in the millions. The images that are burned in my brain are not those of demolished buildings and cracked pavement, they are images of the mass graves, piles of bodies and streets filled with injured.

This is not a natural disaster. This is the result of extreme poverty. God hear our prayers.